“My first inclination is to make my business all about me, but my second instinct is to make my business all about everyone else, because everyone else is where all the money is at.”

“It must be awful to be on a team with a superstar, someone much better than everyone else. At least that’s how my teammates must feel about me. But who cares? They’re just my clones.”

“My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love someone else if you can’t first love yourself.”

“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you.
”

“Some of the higher-ups in the organization don’t know anything about the company—including which floor they are on (the top one). It makes me angry enough to go out and start my own elevator repair business.”

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.”