“My grandpa doesn’t even have a grand to his name.”

“The Professor doesn’t have a problem being called Dick? If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich . . . not Dick. Hell, I’d even settle for being called Chard.”

“It’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘A butter knife would make a deadlier weapon than a melting stick of butter.’”
“Your grandpa never said that.”
“No, but he should have. He was a damn fool not to have uttered those words.”
“My grandpa was a janitor, in the Great Depression. The greatest thing he ever said was, ‘Greg, I just Gregged all over your floor. Do you have a mop I can use to clean it up?’”
“Who’s Greg?”
“I don’t know.”
“What the shit kind of story is that? That story is bullshit. Greg doesn’t exist. Nobody knows nobody named Greg. It’s a unicorn name—it’s complete mythology.”
“What about Lou Greg, the baseball player?”
“Lou who? Lou Gehrig?”
“Here’s a Lou for you. Greg Louganis.”
“Bah, Greg Louganis doesn’t exist. He was a myth created by the Soviets to push their divers to perfection. The Russians realized they couldn’t be the best until they deceived their divers into believing there was someone who was always better.”
“I’ve seen Greg Louganis, and he’s as real as you or me.”
“You’ve seen what they wanted you to see. They gave you a blindfold to wear and convinced you it would improve your eyesight.”
”

“That name--my conception of Him--extended to mea hand that led to a placewhere even His divine name could not exist.Why?”

“Last year when my grandma fell and broke her hip she couldn't paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa started doing it for her, even after he fell and broke his hip, too. For me, that's love.”

“He’s supposed to look out for you.”“I do!” Kieran sounded offended. “You should be proud of her. Hart requested her presence personally at the Drake coronation.”I closed my eyes briefly. We were doomed.“You went to a vampire ceremony?” Grandpa asked evenly.“He didn’t know?” Kieran asked.“No, he didn’t.”“Sorry.”Grandpa vibrated with rage. “I will not tolerate this kind of behavior in my family!”“It’s different now,” Kieran tried to assuage him. “I’m dating Solange Drake. They’re a good family.”Grandpa went red, then purple. Kieran took a step back. I whacked Grandpa between the shoulder blades.“Grandpa, breathe!”