“My high school principal, Mr. Heisenberg, was the uncertain principal.”

“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”

“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.”

“If there are #coffee stains on my @Harvard application, it’s because I was up all night Photoshopping a high school diploma. Please accept my apology, and please accept me.”

“She drew me as a chubby rectangle. But that’s cool, because Chubby Rectangle was my nickname in high school. Hey, it’s better than Fats Domino.”

“Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.”

“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore pepperoni and mushrooms on my face.”