“My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.”

“I have seen the deadly effects of love first hand, and I have seen them with my second hand (the left one).”

“It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.”

“I’m big on body language. If you give me the air hand job gesture, I might try to stick my dick in your closed, circular hand.”

“I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.”

“Last week I placed a hand-written sign in front of my neighborhood that read, “Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found, contact Mouth,” and I left my phone number. Nobody’s called. Perhaps the neighborhood cat lady took it in and is petting it on her lap at this very moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?
”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”