“My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.”

“I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking?
”

“When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased.
”

“I had no direction until I merged into the left lane. Some people find God. I found my blinker.”

“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.”

“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

“Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is placed on top of a two-legged piano. I should know, because I’m the guy trying to tune that piano, fix that chair, and affix a prosthetic leg to that guy—who happens to be my piano teacher. Mr. Balloonky, you get down from there now!
”