“My love is like a crumbly cookie. It’s very hard to give all of it to just one person. Try as I might to give it all to just one woman, crumbs break off here and there in meaningless crushes and kisses and—but what am I saying? Baby, you know you’re the only one I’ve given my cookie to. Can I get you a tall glass of milk?”

“I once tried out for the Girl Scouts. I only went to one meeting. I ate all their cookies and then left.”

“There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.”

“My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt like I was cheating on one person with the same person. 
”

“If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.”

“If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee.
”

“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan lotion. The only sad part for me about getting a cat from the pound is that I can only choose one. If I could, I’d take home all of them. Actually, my view is why take them home? Why not just move in to an animal shelter? But my future wife wouldn’t go for that. Though I’m pretty sure she could move into a shoe store no problem.”