“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.”

“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.”

“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.”

“I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn’t entirely clear to me.”

“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a condom?!”

“If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee.
”

“A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there.
”