“My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.”

“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.”

“I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won't remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.”

“Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

“When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I did, because otherwise somebody would have died—and even worse, I’d be tired.”

“I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.”

“Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.”