“My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have unprotected sex, the risk/reward would be possible STD for me vs. possible grandchild for her. Duh! Bring on the grandchildren!
”

“It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.”

“Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.”

“I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.
”

“If I found money, I’d turn it in—for the reward. Unless the reward money was less than the value of the money I found, and obviously it would be, in which case I’d keep the money.”

“It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.”

“The longest I have ever gone without sex is sixteen years. But to my credit, elementary and middle school were rough dating years.”