“My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just how inaccurate our quarterback was.”

“In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.”

“She drew me as a chubby rectangle. But that’s cool, because Chubby Rectangle was my nickname in high school. Hey, it’s better than Fats Domino.”

“In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of invisibility. But nobody saw how super I was, because nobody saw me.”

“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore pepperoni and mushrooms on my face.”

“There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.”

“I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I had a girlfriend.”