“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.”

“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.”

“I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That’s why I’m wearing a condom.)
”

“I’ll put an oven mitt on before I handle anything hot—including my penis.”

“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.”

“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.”

“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.”