“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.”

“I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.”

“If my house is on fire, I don't need the fire chief telling me I should not have built the house out of wood. I need somebody to put the fire out.”

“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.”

“I often find that people confuse inner peace with some sense of insensibility whenever something goes wrong. In such cases inner peace is a permit for destruction: The unyielding optimist will pretend that the forest is not burning either because he is too lazy or too afraid to go and put the fire out.”

“I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That’s why I’m wearing a condom.)
”