“My penis, when inflated, does not qualify as a flotation device, no matter how much it tastes like the navy.”

“A brick could be used as a flotation device, if you’re Michael Phelps and don’t need it.
”

“When the parent is qualified to discipline, he probably does not feel like it, and when he feels like it, he is probably not qualified.”

“I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If I can barely even carry it, I can understand how it’s a burden to you and why you don’t want to keep it in your heart.”

“But in my book, it was basically bad taste to stare at someone's assets, no matter how much on display they were.”

“What with the pointing and the blue suit, she brought to mind a flight attendant. I expected her to tell me that in the event of an emergency, my brand-new Hecate blazer could be used as a flotation device.”