“My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.”

“A drunk can't follow a line of reasoning, even if it is a double white line.”

“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my balls are blue, so doesn’t that count for something?”

“I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.”

“My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go.”

“He wore red, white, and blue, but he didn’t look patriotic—he looked like a sloppily wrapped birthday present. But it’s not his fault. I tried to wrap him as tight as I could without restricting movement.”

“In hospitality, people vacation where you live. And so when I stay home from work it’s like a double vacation.”