“My thoughts absorb sound like sponges soak up water. Please don’t whistle while I masturbate.”

“Should I masturbate before we meet up? I don’t want to be horny and thinking with my dick the whole time. I mean, it’s not like it’s a date. For Pete’s sake, it’s a job interview.”

“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. I got the recipe from Pee Wee Herman.”

“My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?”

“I like eye contact, but please don’t blink when my eyeballs are touching yours.”

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my emotions.”