“My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book I want.”

“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.”

“I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.”

“I hope you enjoy reading my book as much as I didn’t enjoy writing it. Just kidding! I hope you don’t enjoy it at all.”

“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails from across the room.”

“If I didn’t have any pants on, I’d let you taste my pantslessness.”

“But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some coffee concoction that tasted like the charred remains of Hitler’s soul, and I was not about to leave until I had asked for her phone number.”