“My uncle just dropped in to see me, but his parachute didn't open up. So now we're waiting on the ambulance to come pick him up. (Hey, I would have drove him to the hospital, but gas prices are too high!)”

“I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but with gas prices sky high, forget about it.”

“I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates.”

“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like my ex wife’s heart—it was just too frigid to melt. So I called up a midget, buckled myself in on his back, and had him give me a ride home. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.”

“I was hoping you’d leave the back door open for me, I said as he turned around to bend over and pick up his key.”

“I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.”