“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”

“Nobody listens anymore. I can't talk to the walls because they're yelling at me, I can't talk to my wife; she listens to the walls. I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. And I want you to teach me to understand what I read.”

“Cats are magicians. They can make my erections disappear. All they have to do is jump in my lap while I’m masturbating. Damn! This is the second time today I’ve had to pause Golden Girls!”

“He actually listened, rather than pretending to listen while waiting a suitable interval before it was his time to talk again...”

“I’m big on body language. If you give me the air hand job gesture, I might try to stick my dick in your closed, circular hand.”