“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”

“Cats are magicians. They can make my erections disappear. All they have to do is jump in my lap while I’m masturbating. Damn! This is the second time today I’ve had to pause Golden Girls!”

“I’m big on body language. If you give me the air hand job gesture, I might try to stick my dick in your closed, circular hand.”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”

“I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.”

“I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.”