“My wife loves window shopping. As for me, I’m more into curtains.”

“I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.”

“My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.”

“My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part of some combo meal somewhere.”

“I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).”