“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?”

“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which I said, “Don’t you think she’s a bit too young to be a wife and mother?” Fucking pedophiles.”

“I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.”

“What makes you think of me? Don’t say nothing. The answer is I make you think of me. And I’ll make you do it at gunpoint.”

“My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?”

“She told me she has her eye on me, so I said, And what do you have your other eye on?”

“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.”