“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“Your impression of me is different than my impression of me. But that’s OK, because your impression is impressionistic, like a Monet painting, while mine is realistic, like a Rembrandt.”

“She didn’t have the body of the supermodel. But that’s OK, because she didn’t have the face of one either.”

“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.”

“My shadow’s so substantial that it has its own shadow. It isn’t as tall, but that’s OK, because sometimes it feels like I’m being followed by a black midget.”

“She drew me as a chubby rectangle. But that’s cool, because Chubby Rectangle was my nickname in high school. Hey, it’s better than Fats Domino.”