“Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn the sideways way.”

“Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench.”

“Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.”

“If you put a long-haired wig on and ask nicely, I might sit on your back and ride you like a horse. I believe that’s the only appropriate way to show you how much I love you.”

“Sitting down never feels so great as after standing for eight hours on someone’s testicles.”

“Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.”

“I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug it.”