“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t despise you is because they don’t know you. Thankfully you won’t have to experience that global derision, as you have reached the pinnacle of your career as a crook—I mean politician.”

“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap sheets in America belong to politicians.”

“Your face influences your life, because it effects how people treat you. Sometimes you don’t have to be king to be treated like royalty—you only have to look like the king.”

“As far as how my mom might view me, I can imagine her saying something like this to me: “You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone your whole life.”

“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving in, they’ll stop taking.
”

“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.”

“I don’t have to tell you, “I don’t have to tell you” before telling you something I don’t have to tell you. I also don't have to tell you I love you, but I do.”