“No matter how bad things get, just keep looking up. Just keep looking up her skirt. Or his kilt.”

“I like to switch things up by keeping things the same. People never expect it.”

“I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.”

“When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a bad thing,” they’re just highlighting the fact that they have no clue what they are talking about. Everything in the universe, besides God, could be a good or bad thing.”

“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.”

“I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.”

“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”