“No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.”

“A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.”

“I plugged the hole up with my thumb, so at least I wouldn’t sink. But it was really uncomfortable floating on that lake with my thumb up my ass.”

“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.”

“To live up to its name, softball should be played with a human testicle.”

“If my name were Isaac Newton, would I be a famous no name? I’d have worldwide and historical name recognition, yet I’d be anonymous.”

“The proper response to “I love you” is never “what, when, where, why, and how,” no matter how sincerely you say it.”