“No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)”

“I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.”

“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
”

“I was joking about my clones to my family when my uncle Herman said, “Don’t do that. Don’t make fun of yourself and others at the same time.” And he’s right. It is confusing. Am I mocking myself, or joking at the expense of someone else?”

“I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together.”

“I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”

“Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.”