“Nobody likes a dick. Except a pussy. Or an asshole. Or a goat’s mouth.”

“Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes.
”

“I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before. It was almost more than I could swallow. Almost. 
”

“My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place.
”

“A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.”

“My asshole smells like a bookstore. So, are you a big reader?”

“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.”