“Not only am I not my dad’s favorite child—I’m his only child.”

“I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they wouldn’t even have been married!)
”

“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”

“He’s a year shorter than me, but he’s a foot younger. I love him like the brother of an only child.”

“My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.”

“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you’re the dumb one.”

“I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.”