“On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.”

“My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.”

“I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.”

“Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.”

“I went for a walk and I stubbed my big toe. And my erection.”

“My expectations are sky low, because I’m standing on a mountaintop.”

“Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar laser beam that will cut through my pants and legs if a direct hit occurs. I'm sure glad I am only pretending though, because it wouldn't be fun to lose both my legs every day.”