“On our first date, you should wear a maternity dress, because I’m going to try to impregnate you.”

“If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace? 
”

“The great news is I drive like a woman. The bad news is that it’s only when I’m wearing a dress.”

“I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.”

“If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.”

“-I’m looking for a man—
-There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?”

“I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.”