“On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.
”

“I’ll trade you one dollar for five dollars. What, is my money no good here?”

“Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars of disposable income, I’d be a bestseller tomorrow. But would I be a better writer? No, I’d be a poorer writer—about $75,000 dollars poorer.”

“If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.”

“If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.”

“I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the clever one in the deal. Damn it! Lucifer tricked me!”

“A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”