“On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.”

“I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.”

“I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.”

“I only get information from mutes, because they’re sure to keep things quiet.”

“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Well, unless all your critics are mutes.
”

“I have a great golf swing. I just wish I had someone to push me on it.”