“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.”

“I want a driveway so long you couldn’t see the end of it even if you were 26.1 miles into running a marathon on it. But why would you run? That’s why my clone will have invented teleportation.”

“I went on a road trip with my cat, Cap’n. I would have let him drive, but he was drunk.”

“I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).”

“I can guess which car my boss drives. I’ll just look for the one with the hole in the back, like an asshole.”

“Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s sleeves, so these other people can get to work helping other people get to work. That’s brilliant. I should be a politician.”

“A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have to be a two-for-one deal.”