“One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and therefore is as beautiful as an impressionistic painting?
”

“The great news is I drive like a woman. The bad news is that it’s only when I’m wearing a dress.”

“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.”

“A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.
”

“A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.”

“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.”

“Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.”