“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you’re the dumb one.”

“If you’re going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love.”

“One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d like to smash in the face with a building (or a brick).
”

“One clown sleeping in a car is not tragic. One clown sleeping with your wife in his car—tragic. Especially if you’re inside the tent enjoying the circus.”

“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.”

“I would tell you I hope you find what you seek in life, but your problem is you’re not looking. The only looking you do is good looking. But really, you’re not that handsome.”

“If you’re hungry, eat one of my new starvation pills. They taste like silence.
”