“One to five, I’m not sure how most people would rate me. But I’m certainly top four to anyone who doesn’t have a thumb.”

“Most people take four years to get a degree. Not me. I’m twice as ambitious. It took me nearly eight years to graduate.”

“I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a high five, because I’m the only person in the world with a Hooray Factor of five. So until my clones get here, I’ll just have to continue to high five my reflection in the mirror.”

“I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.”

“I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have all four grandparents still living, and widely dispersed around the world.”

“God gave man two ears and one penis hole for a reason. I’m not sure what that reason is, but I’m sure it’s a good one.”

“One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)”