“Orafoura was yelling at his dog (not a German shepherd) in German, and I thought, “I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.”

“I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.”

“The burden of proof weighs a lot, but it’s not as heavy as a certain 19th century German philosopher’s mustache. Trust me, I used to lift weights using that mustache like it was a dumbbell.”

“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.”

“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.”

“Have you ever wanted to learn Geometry, Calculus, Physics, German, and the mystical teachings of Orafoura? Well, now you can! Just not with this book. Well, except for the mystical bit. This book is guaranteed to cost you, or your money back. If there is ever a book that deserves to be burned, this is it. And while you are lighting a fire, why don't you also set your imagination ablaze? You can start by taking a gasoline shower and sprinting naked through Flint, Michigan. Or Phoenix. After all, the only way you'll ever be able to reach your true potential is with a stepladder and a stretch.”

“Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a cat.”