“People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.”

“I’m into extreme sports. Well, just one—cuddling.”

“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those hookers?!”

“People always see me writing and ask me if they can read my writing. The answer is yes, after I publish it and they pay for it.”

“I wear a helmet when I write, because if you’re doing it right, writing is dangerous.”

“I’m asking you not to do it. Can you do that for me? Can you do not doing it?
”

“When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.”