“Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either the left or the right, whichever one he stands for. So I guess the only people who vote with complete confidence on election day are the ones with only one leg, and who's political stance matches their needs exactly. But I must say, a person loses a lot of personal freedom when they only have one leg.”

“Things can go three ways—left, right, or straight. If you stand on one side, either the left or the right, you will have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, the second quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, and the slowest reaction 1/3rd of the time. But if you stand in the middle, you’ll have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, and you’ll have the second quickest reaction time 2/3rds of the time. I guess things can also go backwards, but the middle is still the best place to stand.”

“I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.”

“I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”

“We danced together. We didn’t look graceful, but how could we? She only had one leg and I had my eyes on her friend the whole night. Sure, her friend couldn’t dance either, and literally had two left feet, but I’ll take two left feet over one left foot any day.”

“I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.”

“Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.”