“Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.”

“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.”

“I have a mustache like a squirrel and you just ran over my face.”

“I shaved my lady mustache (ladystache) off with my roommate's gay razor (it's a gay razor because it's his razor and he's gay) and now I have man-stubble on my upper lip. Then to make it just a tiny bit sexier I broke out where I shaved. So now I have an acne mustache. I should have left it alone. Like I do with the beard. The Korean ladies at the nail place were right. "You too much hair. You do mustache and arms and chin and back and neck. Please. Too much hair, lady-man.”

“Son, not everbody thinks that life on a cattle ranch in west Texas is the second best thing to dyin and goin to heaven.”

“It is said that water is for cattle and farmers, that milk is for children and blood for men.”