“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women: topless. I love me some pepperoni.”

“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love men like me, like my clones.”

“Pepperoni looks so much like nipples that I can’t eat pizza without getting horny.”

“I like my spaghetti like I like my women. All over my shirt.”

“I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.”

“I want to grow a tan and an accent, then dig it out of my garden and staple it to my naked body. I like Salmon Rushdie like a bear would. Especially with a honey glaze.”

“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore pepperoni and mushrooms on my face.”