“She doesn’t return my phone calls. I’d like them back, unopened.”

“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.”

“If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.”

“There is a hole in my buttocks. I’d like to return it, or at the very least exchange it for a new one.”

“I’d like to wade through all the people named Wade in this city, and personally call all of them to congratulate them on their fabulous name.”

“What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.”

“If I were to come back in another life, I’d like to be reincarnated as my own clone.”