“She walked by and I said, Nice shirt. What I really meant was, Nice tits.”

“Messages written across the chest of women’s t-shirts are great, because I can stare at their tits like they are literature.”

“It was one-way glass, and I was on the inside and she was on the outside. She was looking at me with the confidence of a woman who knows she won’t be scrutinized for scrutinizing me, and I was looking at her like I normally look at myself—though she probably thought I was staring at her breasts. Well, can you blame me? I had a stain on my shirt—and she had great tits.”

“I don’t like tit for tat. I like tit for tit. Bring on the boobies!”

“When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”

“My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”