“She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.”

“I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.”

“She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to. 
”

“The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason to see her again.”

“She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis.
 She took all I had, and she didn’t even take me out to coffee.”

“I’ll make a name for myself, after I make a copy of myself. The key to a productive life is cloning.”