“Shit goes out, and dick goes in. This is the way of the prisoner.”

“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those hookers?!”

“I’m in like Flynn, as the saying goes. But why is it going? It just got here.”

“Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.”

“When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.”

“The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.”

“People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s all in the gloves.”