“Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.”

“People are like puzzles. Especially interconnected people, like Siamese twins.”

“Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.”

“I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.”

“33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.”

“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the talking). The day he does respond to me will probably be the best day of my life, because it means my walls are finally padded.”

“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two is the smallest number you can have to get the one.”