“Since pigs are anatomically similar to humans, dissecting one must be like cutting up a midget. And I haven’t done that since middle school.”

“I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not exactly Banksy with a can of spray paint.”

“In middle school, Renaldo was voted most likely to vote in a Presidential election. But he was the most obvious choice to receive that accolade, since he was the only 17-year-old at school.”

“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.”

“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.”

“My lips touched hers, like two butterflies in the wind. Then I went home, cut off my eyelids, and I’ve been living in darkness since.”

“I would offer to meet up for some coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems. It’s just that I haven’t been the same since the Folgers fiasco of ‘04.”