“Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision. But not a great one.”

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though my mother did push me along a bit.”

“Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.”

“I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since I first met her. And being the best man doesn’t make me feel better.”

“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years, if my math is good. And my math better be good, because if my math’s no good, what’s that leave? I mean aside from English, art, science, social studies, history, geography, P.E., recess, and of course, lunch.
”

“I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time but not my space.”

“I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.”