“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. More padding, like an overstuffed sofa.”

“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the sofa watching TV.”

“I’d like to assess all the asses on the beach. By hand. I should try to get a sponsorship from an oven mitt manufacturer.”

“I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me.”

“If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.”

“I want to head up a committee to discuss how to properly head up committees. Our committee will sit at a round table and talk in circles all day long.”

“My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know that.”