“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I have to say about the school itself, as it’s so bland that if it were a food it would be oatmeal. Cold oatmeal.”

“When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.”

“I live in Florida, and when people ask how close to the beach I am, I say, “Twelve minutes or twelve hours. Depends on which beach you want to go to.”

“It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.”

“It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time the state’s residents don’t know how to cope. Probably there are more suicides on these two days in Florida than in a whole year of Seattle’s drizzly existence.”

“They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.”

“I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.”