“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.”

“I’m so hungry I could eat some silverware.”

“I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s like showing up to a math test with an abacus, knowing that the teacher is going to be handing out calculators.”

“Though I can and sometimes do use chopsticks, I much prefer using my hands to pee.”

“The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.”

“Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence.”

“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your cooking.”